I'm sitting in a cafe, working on a personal essay. The process has been excruciating. Filled with doubt, with fear, with empty stares at the computer screen, not sure what word to type next. So here I am, procrastinating, hoping that by sharing the experience, I can shift myself out of it.
My mind is locked into two delusions right now: 1) that my essay has to be perfect and profound, and 2) that I have no real skill as a writer. Obviously, number 2 makes number 1 even more difficult to achieve than it would be if I believed I were a highly skilled writer. And double obviously, number 1 is impossible, because nothing is perfect. Profound, maybe. But perfect, not a chance.
So I sit here, in deep resistance to the task at hand. But I'm not going anywhere. I will post this and keep my resistant ass in this chair. I can't control what creativity will or won't pour through me, but I can control how I choose to spend my time. I can acknowledge my resistance without letting it lead me back to my apartment, away from my commitment to write today.
I'm learning to show up, as I am. It's easier when I'm open and everything's flowing, but it's even more important when I'm feeling like this. How else do we teach ourselves we can do things other than by actually doing them? I have allowed resistance (i.e. fear, insecurity, doubt, etc.) to rule a lot of my life. I have allowed it to keep me from going after my dreams.
Now I'm giving my resistance—and fear—a different look at things. I'm showing them both that I can feel them without crumbling. I can let them play their mind games and still show up, committed, understanding that they don't represent my truth. They, in fact, are barriers to it. If I allow them to be.
Today, I will allow them to be hurdles, rather than walls. And I will keep jumping, as high as I can, to clear them as they present themselves. Right now, the only way I know how to jump is to keep my butt in this chair, feel whatever I need to feel, and keep my intention on the writing at hand. That, I can do.
Resistance, like so many aspects of life, only has the power we give it. When we realize this, we can begin to take its power away. We can begin to empower ourselves in new ways. And then all bets are off, because there's no telling what kind of realities we can create when we acknowledge—and wield—our power.
Thanks for listening...back to the essay…