There are moments, like right now, when I feel like a complete fraud. Not just to you, but to myself.
I talk about peace and love and patience and all that good stuff, but forty minutes on hold with the bank to remedy a problem that refuses to get fixed, and I've lost my shit. Lost it.
I've snapped at my partner, broken out into a rage sweat, and convinced myself that this entire day was ruined.
Over a phone call. And a shitty app.
It feels so utterly fucked up to be struggling with stuff like this, still. To be so thrown off balance by something so totally insignificant in the grand scheme of anything.
I am able to see the value in this reminder—that I am no where close to being as peaceful and loving as I someday hope to be, that I still have a lot of work to do. But fuck, how can I be this far away after all the work I've done?
And this page...everything I write feels like total bullshit in this moment. Who is this imposter who thinks he understands anything? When I was a kid, my dad used to always say, "Do as I say, not as I do." It drove me nuts. I always thought, "That's bullshit. Why can't you do as you say?"
And here I am...so not doing as I say. Here I am, being an out of control baby because of some technical glitches and bad customer service. It's fucking disheartening.
I appreciate this community so much, because I feel like we're willing to recognize we're all flawed, imperfect humans doing the best we can do. And I guess I just want to remind you that I'm a flawed, imperfect human doing the best I can do. And sometimes my best sucks. My mind's best, that is.
I just don't want you to think I'm more than I am. Funny, because I've allowed my mind to convince me today that I'm less than I am. The truth is, I'm a work in progress, like all of us. With more work to do, like all of us.
And when I look at all the nonsense of today, it was 100% of the mind. I allowed my mind to dictate everything. And everything turned to shit. That's where the mind inevitably leads: to shit.
That's when we have to get to work. We have to interrupt that cycle before it takes over. Wedge some deep breaths and perspective into the picture. Return to love.
I'm feeling a lot more relaxed. Writing this has helped. Sure, I find my reaction today disappointing. Really disappointing. And I'm overwhelmed by the work involved in realizing our natural state of being: one of peace and love.
But what's the alternative to working at peace and love? Living like a zombie again? No thank you. Being an asshole on a much more regular basis? No thank you. Hiding behind lies and distortions of who I really am? No thank you.
I lost it today—really lost it—but love is still my path. Kindness is still my path. Peace is still my path. I've chosen this path because it's changed my life in so many positive ways, and because I feel I have the most to offer others because of it. So there's no choice but to continue to put in the work involved with getting there. No matter what.
And there's no end to the there, anyway. We can always be more kind and more peaceful and more loving. It all expands, forever. So why the fuck am I wasting my time judging my place on this path that never ends?
Oh boy...this is one of those posts that has me wondering if some things are better left unsaid. If I've disheartened you in any way, I apologize. If you had me on a pedestal in any way, I hope this helps you remove it. That would be a great thing. I'm not a fan of pedestals.
Thank you for being here, and for your love, and for helping to create a space where I feel freer and freer to be myself. I hope you feel the same.
I love you.